Something Lost, Something Gained: Weight, Perception, and Self

I was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism, or Graves Disease, when I was 14. By the time I was 17 my thyroid was so out of control the doctor made the decision to remove it before it seriously damaged my heart. On a humid June day, I walked into the hospital with a resting heart rate of 170, and walked out sans one gland. Two and a half later I was completely lethargic due to my metabolism crashing and had gained almost 50 Ibs.

And then I had to leave for my first semester of college. Awesome timing.

I went through a really rough time, dealing with the depression, mood swings, constant exhaustion, and perceived social isolation my new thyroid state provided. But in all honesty, the hardest thing to deal with was the weight gain. The normal trials and tribulations of youth and the college years were triply compounded by feeling lost in my own body. After years of being super-model skinny I felt bloated and chubby - my face and hands were puffy and full, and I had to go buy a totally new wardrobe because I couldn't fit into any of my old clothes, and all my new ones felt like things Rosanne Barr would wear. I didn't recognize myself, and hated looking at myself in the mirror.

My feelings of self-loathing were made worse by my family's criticism: just lose the weight, stop complaining about it, go for a run, or, (my father's favorite phrase) it is just simple math: you need to eat fewer calories than you use in a day. They didn't understand that my metabolism had to hit rock bottom and I basically just had to look at food to put on more weight. My family's obsession with my weight only served to reinforce my feelings of being broken, damaged, and unwanted in my new form. They aren't bad people, and I realize looking back that they were just concerned and sad to see me so distressed and were trying to help me motivate myself. But it still made things worse.

After about seven months my synthetic hormones kicked in and a semblance of a metabolism returned to my body, meaning I deflated somewhat and could actually eat somewhat normally without gaining three pounds a week. Yet years later I am still dealing with the mental mess that the huge weight swing left in my self image.

Today I am at a healthy weight, getting exercise and eating a vegetable rich, low fat diet. I finally feel better about my body and the way I look, but it has been a long and sometimes scary road to get here. Sometimes it is shocking to me the amount of importance I wrap up in my weight, and to this day I look back on that period when I was so sick I couldn't think straight longingly for the way my body looked. I know that then I was well below the recommended weight for my height, and that I was so thin I had actually stopped menstruating (bad), but thanks to social programming and reinforcement for extreme thinness I still need to work hard to check myself when I wistfully remember fitting into a dress three sizes below what I wear now.

Sometimes I feel like my perception of my physical self will be forever warped by this ordeal - that I will always judge myself against my body from six years ago. It is my fervert hope that this is not the case, and that I will get to a point when I can genuinely look at myself and say "I look fabulous," not "I look OK, but I've looked better."

Weight gain and loss against who we see ourselves as being is a powerful and perception changing thing. If you find yourself struggling like I did with a sudden and unhappy change in weight, reach out to the people around you for support and reinforcement. Try to remember you are more than your physical essence, and that no amount of weight, large or small, can change who you are on the inside. Forget the media, forget fashion, forget other people's expectations or perceptions. You are beautiful. You are beautiful. And I hope you can see your unique beauty better than I was able too.

If you liked this hub, check me out at http://www.thelifeuncommon.net/ !